I know I don't post much on here, mostly because I don't log in very often, but I felt like I had to get this news off of my chest. I have been sitting here debating whether or not I should write this for over an hour. This is taking a lot for me to write.
I found out yesterday morning that someone I know passed away. She was one of the very first friends that I ever had in grade one after my family moved to a new city. In all honesty, she was my best friend. I really looked up to her. In grade two we got into a lot of trouble and after that year she was switched to another school. Being young kids, we didn't really manage to stay in contact after that.
Fast forward six years and I see her again in the hallways of high school. We never did go back to being friends. We hung out with different crowds, but she never failed to smile or say hello when we passed each other in the halls. And she had such a contagious laugh, such a sweet smile.
These past few weeks I've been thinking about the fact that we used to be really close. I thought about sending her a message, asking if she remembers I shenanigans from when we were eight. But I never did. I figured we hadn't spoken for so long that there wasn't really a point. I was also talking about her recently, about how we hatched out a master plan over the course of several weeks and went through with it, how we ended up getting suspended from school.
And just like that, she's gone. My childhood best friend. A person I thought about reconnecting with but never did. A person I talked about every once in a while because she was a huge part of my early school days. And now she isn't here. I'll never get the chance to work up the courage to send her a message, to ask her how life is going.
It doesn't feel real. I find it so hard to wrap my head around the fact that a twenty year old, a person just beginning their university career, a person who was just starting to travel the world, is gone forever.
I guess right now I'm still trying to work through stage one - denial. Seriously, I keep hoping that she's going to appear on her Facebook page and tell everyone they got it wrong, that she's perfectly fine. But I've read countless messages from grieving friends and family, read the obituary online.
A part of me also feels like I don't have a right to feel as upset about this as I do. We lost contact a long time ago, we weren't friends anymore. And maybe I'm feeling this void of sadness inside so much because she was someone my age, because she was someone I went to school with, someone I wanted to reach out to again, because she seemed fine, because her death was sudden and unexpected. I don't really know.
Anyway, sorry about the sadness. I just didn't know what else to do